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Neediness is one of the most common problems preventing people from getting back together with...

Neediness is one of the most common problems preventing people from getting back together with their ex. Roughly speaking, I estimate 80% of my readers broke up with their ex and have difficulties getting them back solely because of their neediness. Chances are, you’re in the same boat.

I define neediness as prioritizing your current or ex partner’s perception of you over your perception of yourself, and that this prioritization leads to all unattractive behavior, whether directly or indirectly.

Let’s take Needy Nelly, for example.

When talking with her ex, Needy Nelly will expend her effort in trying to piece together what her ex’s perception of her is and cater her behavior to what she thinks he wants.

If he thinks poorly of her, she will feel as if she has low self-worth. If he thinks highly of her, she’ll think she has high self-worth. Essentially, she’ll allow her ex’s perception of her to have complete control over her moods and self-worth.

She’ll also try to get her ex’s affection, approval, and validation to compensate for the lack of affection, approval, and validation she fosters for herself. Even her goal of getting back with her ex will be rooted not in love but her abiding fear that she alone is not enough.

Assuming your ex already reached out to you at some point and shown initial attraction, your level of neediness determines how much or how little your ex will be (re) attracted to you. The more needy behaviors you display, the lower their attraction becomes. The less needy behaviors you display, the higher their attraction becomes.

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The Source Of Neediness

Neediness stems from a) undervaluing yourself, b) overvaluing your ex, or c) a combination of both.

The “undervaluing yourself” problem stems from low self-esteem and self-worth and is consciously realized by a series of negative beliefs about oneself and then manifested through needy, unattractive behavior.

The “overvaluing your ex” problem stems from some sort of complex or neurosis surrounding the opposite sex. These people can have high self-esteem and self-worth in many areas of their life (i.e., business, education, social life, etc.). However, when confronted by their ex, they instinctively subjugate themselves to their opinions and desires and become needy.

These two causes of neediness often appear simultaneously. However, they may also appear separately in certain cases.

The “overvaluing your ex” issue is usually the easier fix. It’s just a matter of re-orienting some of a person’s unhealthy over-estimations of their ex and getting them to respect themselves a little more in their presence.

It’s the “undervaluing yourself” issue that’s difficult to fix, mainly because low self-esteem and self-worth individuals are often piss-poor at accurately interpreting their own experiences and behaviors. Until they learn to do this, their progress occurs slowly — or there is no progress at all.

How Neediness Looks Like

Below are some of the most common ways neediness manifests itself. By discovering how neediness looks like, you’ll hopefully grow more aware of it when it starts seeping out your behaviors, and thus, increase your chances of managing it successfully — that is, before it sabotages your love life.

  • You frequently try to impress your ex and get their admiration and approval.
  • You frequently seek validation, attention, and affection from your ex.
  • (Men) You start acting emotionless, domineering, or brash because you want your ex to view you as an “alpha male.”
  • (Women) You start acting overly submissive and (too) agreeable because you want your ex to view you as a “proper woman.”
  • You keep overanalyzing or are trying to figure out the hidden meaning behind your ex’s words and actions.
  • You call or text your ex with the intention of figuring out whether they still like you or not.
  • You keep taking your ex to the fanciest and best places in town.
  • You’re treating your ex as a celebrity and frequently try to prove yourself to them.
  • You keep checking your phone every few minutes or hours to see if your ex called or texted you back.
  • You’ve made your ex your primary source of happiness, fulfillment, and life meaning.
  • You keep stumbling over yourself by constantly buying your ex gifts.
  • You keep analyzing your own neediness-level while you’re talking with your ex.
  • You’re trying to change yourself for your ex or you keep trying to change your ex.
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